By Princess Pat Akpabio
While reminiscing on the deadly corona-virus, the fear and the apprehensions it has brought to humanity, i quickly remembered, that there are other viruses out there that are equally deadly, and some that are even deadlier.
Humans have been battling viruses since before our species had even evolved into its modern form. For some viral diseases, vaccines and antiviral drugs have allowed us to keep infections from spreading widely, and have helped sick people recover.
But we’re a long way from winning the fight against viruses in our homes, families, marriage, church etc.
I have been pondering over this issue of infidelity, cheating, lying, unfaithfulness, betrayal, disrespect, etc in our relationships that it has so taken over our homes, family institutions, structured lives and government in this 21st century like a “VIRUS”, “a deadly tumor” “a terminal disease”. Give it any name you please, yet we are nothing close to a candid solution to give some form of closure or redemption to this virus plaguing our love relationships.
Today, I am not playing the devil’s advocate but I am taking a standpoint of a “questionnaire” and a female, advocating for sanity in relationships. That it is time we told ourselves some hard truth if we must love and be loved in a broken world such as the one we live in.
A man has been cheating for years, I mean, unrepentantly cheating for years on his wife, should that man continue to expect fidelity from the woman and vice versa?
Note: Please when responding, don’t quote scriptures here, I read it already, don’t write what is expected in a marriage but rather write what is seen, practical, real event of life and relationships.
So many couples stay married for the sake of their children and societal-status which of course are all temporary factors to one’s happiness being that your children will grow up and start their own families and the reason why you stayed in the unfaithful and sickening marriage at this point expires.
Society status can change at any time but for the sake of this write up, why should hell break lose because the cheated, decides to cheat back? Why should there be an uproar should the woman decide to keep the “MRS” title but also join the head of the family in his cheating rampage, merry go round, infidelity life style?
Why should it be said “it is wrong for the woman to cheat” It has been so, for years and we live in the millennium era where women are CEOs?
Ok I get it, two wrongs don’t make a right? Well, what is good for the goose is good for the gander. Just like you will hear men say, “a man must eat beans, lamb chops, fried rice, okra soup, potatoes and not just one type of meal” meaning a man must have different types of women and by so doing reducing his marriage and his spouse to be classified as a meal; so too the woman must eat different types of meal for a balanced diet. I mean, this is a situation of finding yourself in a role you didn’t audition for. Accepting someone’s wrong as though you were the cause of it.
The many things people in the society say, Oh, you are God fearing and you are married to an unbeliever, so you should have expected this, really? What about believers and church goers who are neck deep into extra marital affairs? Are we aware that more Christian marriages are failing and the world marriages are working? Have we asked ourselves why? Hypocrisy has eaten deep into our blood streams that we tolerate nonsense in the name of making our marriages work. What will society say about us?
I have observed with keen interest, the change of events in our society in the marriage institutions where cheating is accepted as a way of life for men and not for women but the women are cheating on DL and the husbands are busy feeling cool with themselves how my wife will never cheat on me. Let me burst some bubbles for a second, many men have lost their wives to “Lesbianism” to “another man “but the MR & MRS Titles are still being maintained for society sakes.
What is really going on in our society today? The value for marriage has dropped and fidelity has been thrown to the trash can and all you hear when a young woman or man complains about infidelity, “Pray, there is nothing God can’t do, God will change him/her, etc.” You are dying inside, and most often a time, you hear “Pray” and there is nothing wrong with prayers to God on all issues but have we stopped to think for a minute that Maybe, just maybe, God wants you out of that marriage before He can bless you? Change things by charting a new course in that marriage in order for it to work? Have you stopped to think maybe that marriage wasn’t meant for you? Have you thought that maybe you are giving too much and getting so little back based on the expectations of people in the society? Have you stopped to think to yourself that maybe you need to change the society script of the role of what is expected from you as a man or as a woman and form your roles? Young women and our mothers are living with HBP and all manners of sicknesses because of enduring all kinds of traumatizing incidents in marriages and vice versa for men all in the bid to make it work.
Why should anybody involved in an unfaithful relationship stay faithful or stay with the partner at all? Why should any one on earth compromise his or her happiness to please a man, a woman, a society that doesn’t really care if you live or die in the relationship? Why must the woman be the one to ensure all the bulk shit thrown at her by the man? Is it because She is the nurturer? The home keeper? The virtuous woman? Please I need a virtuous man that can lay his life for me as Jesus did. God hates divorce but does He hate the “Divorcee”? No He doesn’t hate the divorcee.” God hates divorce but not the divorcee.”~PPA
I have come to the conclusion, that as human beings, we hold on to something that God is saying let go so I can bring you a better one. We are afraid to start our lives all over again and so we must endure till death. Who said you must endure till death what you can change? Who said you can’t start all over and correct your mistakes? does correct your mistakes necessarily mean getting a divorce? No it doesn’t but rather it involves communication, compromise and commiment to the person you are in love with by coming clean with him or her on the table.
Put what you desire and expect from the relationship onward instead of always being the one to sacrifice for the other to live out their dreams while yours waits on the shelf. It means standing up to address the emotional hurts and deficiencies in your relationship by putting your needs on the table without apologizing for it. It means redefining your relationship in order to rewrite a new love story. It means fixing what is broken.
Does it mean you will fix it even as hard as you try? No! there is no guarantee but you are the one wearing the shoes and therefore you know when to take off the shoes and take a bow but before you do that, dust yourself up and try to fix the broken cord of your marriage.
Some church folks will tell you, marriage is for live and I agree with that and if you walk out God will not be a part of your life again. Who said God will not accept you just the way you are? Who ever told you that, is a liar. Marriage especially unfaithful marriage is not a do or die affair but spending eternity with your maker Jesus Christ is a do and die affair.
Women Stop being lazy and get up and get something doing for yourself to earn an income so you can stand up for yourself and your children. Don’t be totally defendant on a man. My husband doesn’t want me to work doesn’t mean he loves you so much, it means so you don’t go out and hear what I am doing outside, it means I want to keep you miserable at home and control you but it is not applicable to a few men.
It means I don’t what you to be my competition. It means I don’t want other men to see and admire my wife, etc. Women wake up and wise up and men same thing too.
Oh before you decide to stay or walk make sure you have settled yourself well with God. The originator of marriage is the Monarch of the universe Himself God.
My concluding views
There is really no closing on this subject matter because it is an epidemic eating up so many homes and lives without mercy in our society today. Without prejudice on this subject matter, I want you to know that there is no perfect relationship out there and there are things that a spouse will do to you that will be worst than infidelity.
In Truth, this topic doesn’t have a conclusion until folks get up and start speaking about it more and that goes to both sexes. To those who are still living with hopes of the expected (the theories of what marriage should be that never turns out to be actual), I pray that you will find peace in your inner most being living a fictitious, unrealistic life based on falsehood and the pretense of trying to keep a holier than thou outlook over marriage requirements.
In my earnest opinion, to find the solution to this epidemic in our society that has crippled our homes, churches, businesses, government and lives and left lasting scars the next generation will inherit is of the essence.
Now, people marry for all the wrong reasons in this world and this includes both Christians and non-Christians.
These reasons include wealth, societal positions, family name, religion, juju, assignment, must fulfill the scriptures or have children, parental pressure, peer pressure, the list is inexhaustible.
Others marry for friendship, love, companionship, partnership, change of status etc. Whatever the reason is, when a relationship becomes abusive and unfaithfulness becomes a mark of it, pray all you can, seek God all you will, get counseling if you must and I mean give it your best shot to make it work so long as it doesn’t take your life or scar you for life.
If after you’ve done all you can and it still doesn’t work out, please take a bow. At that point it simply means that the marriage is not the will of God for your life. Nothing in this life is worth your life, peace of mind, joy, happiness than Jesus Christ Himself.
You don’t have to compromise your health or your whole life just to live up to the expectations of a society that doesn’t really care if you live or die. A society that will be mere spectators to your plight and move on the moment you lose your life.
You need to realize that people must talk, whether good or bad, people will talk. Realize that the society will condemn your actions whether it is right for you or not. Somehow, they always find fault with your life. So, go ahead and do what pleases God and gives your conscience peace. You don’t have to be married to make heaven but you do have to have Jesus and your good deeds to make heaven for those who are Christians. For the non Christians, I am sure your religion teaches Karma.
Stop being judgmental of people if you are not in their shoes but rather pray for the person going through a hard situation in his or her marriage and help out if you can.
Realize that marriage isn’t a do or die affair. There is no marriage in eternity. Enjoy it while on earth. Encourage your partner with love and sincerity at all times.
For those who are single and one day will be married, marry your friend. I mean your friend. Don’t marry because of wealth and he can provide or she has the family connections. Marry knowing it is a journey that requires owning up to your wrongs and being responsible for your actions which most aren’t sincere enough to be. When you are married, you are answerable to your spouse regarding your actions. Marriage is not a bed of roses. Shit happens. Determine the point where you can tolerate to and when you get to that braking point, scream the loudest.
When you look at men that cheat and look into the history of their family, what are the men from there known for? Who and where did he grow up with/at? What did he see growing up? What did he hear growing up? Who were his friends? Did his father cheat on his mother and vice versa?
The reason why this topic came to be is because many men are unapologetically unrepentant cheats. These lot are manipulating, calculating, lying, evil perpetrating, cheating representatives of uncultured insanity in their marriages and this is why I was led to write on it like this.
Just because what you have together may have not have worked out with him doesn’t mean it won’t work at all else where.
Before you start embarking on prayers and fasting as always advised, ask yourself is he/she willing to change? Has he been working on being a better husband or man to his lady upon all the talking and vise Versa?
“Nobody can change a cheating man or woman only God can and that is if He chooses to change the person.”~PPA
Don’t pray blindly, pray specifically on the issue. God can change people but also bear in mind that God is may be trying to take away the old so He can bring the new; don’t be too religious than God – be open to Him and stop holding on to something you have lost years ago.
I hope the wrong marriage doesn’t make you lose your sense of wholeness and lose your true self as it has happened to many.
Many have been sick to the point of death and some die because of shock. If you survive a bad marriage, take a WALK. Nobody will beat you. No man or woman is worth the trouble.
Dear cheating man/woman, if you think your side kick is better than your spouse, get a DIVORCE and be with the one person you have found joy and happiness even when the one being divorced may not agree, eventually they will see why.
Stop living a lie and deceiving each other. Don’t die in silence because of what society will say, who cares about society and their selfish, inconsiderate and conceded thoughts in your life? Your focus should be on what God says about you.
Don’t assume because someone is smiling on pictures and when you see them that theirs is better than yours. Many are afraid to speak out their pains. If you think you helped the man build all he has acquired, then believe God to settle you in a better place than what you are letting go.
Take it from me, it ain’t worth it. Yes, it aint worth your life and future. You are the one wearing the shoes so you know where it pinches the most. My opinion doesn’t count here much, only that of your God and yours.
With that being said, let’s emancipate ourselves from this backward mentality that we have to pray for a man or woman to change and start being proactive about the change we want for us.
Speak up and be free. Act out what you say you will do. Have a solid plan if you must walk away. Remember that society really don’t care about you. What matters most is what makes you happy because you don’t owe your happiness to anybody but yourself. You don’t owe your happiness to your kids. You don’t owe your happiness to your pastors. You don’t owe to family or family name. Your happiness is in your hands. Make yourself happy today and set the path straight because your kids are watching and they know when you are not happy as a parent and they may grow up thinking that infidelity is the right thing.
Let’s save ourselves and our children’s future. Say no to abuse of all sorts. Say no to cheating, lying and betrayal of your “lover’s” trust. Don’t expose your partner to be harmed by the women and men you are having illicit affairs with. If you love her/ him let it show. Don’t cheat on her and abuse her on top of that. Remember that for in the same measurement you measure for others, so shall it be measured for you. Bear in mind that if what you are doing to another man’s daughter or woman’s son is done to your child, you won’t be happy with the person doing it.
Let the love of God and love for your fellow human being guard your actions towards others. Where you will spend eternity is decided by God not any man or woman including your parents who are or were your care givers. Never settle for the path of least resistance. GOD forbid love ever leaves you empty handed. Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens. Loving might be a mistake but it’s worth making. When you come close to hurting your spouse with infidelity, chide yourself to reconsider your options and make the right choice.
Let God be your GPS in all your actions here on earth, not any man. In all of these talks of marital troubles, I want to assure you that there are marriages that are truly working.
May the lot of the wicked not rest upon your lot. May you dance and find inner peace in whatever you decide to do with your relationship in the end.
God bless you .
~ I AM Princess Pat Akpabio and this is changing minds changing attitudes